A Cock and Balls

Sheepish Smudge Fronts Up After Camera-On’s Caught Playing with his Balls

In the throws of early teendom, I spent many a relaxing post-dinner Sunday, feet up, fire on, watching my Mum slave round the kitchen as I took in a United game on PremPlus. Invariably, this utopia was pierced by the high pitched shrieking of the under duress Motherbear, frustrated not only by the lack of aid she received in the wake of feeding a household of lazy, obnoxious and (at 3pm on a Sunday) gassy men, but by the frustration of never being able to know the comforting nirvana of cradling your own testicles.

“Would you ever stop tampering with your balls, you dirty bastard of a child?!?!”

I could tell you I grew out of it. But every male reader knows the real truth. Some men just never grow up…


Had I been exposed to the sadness in Cameron Bancroft’s eyes at an early age, I don’t think I’d I’ve ever had the courage to put my hands south of my bellybutton.

It’s not been a good day for Australian Cricket to say the least. A bumbling Bancroft and, what you could only refer to as, “that arrogant arsehat” Steve Smith faced up to the media in Cape Town earlier in the most cringe saturated presser of this millennium.

During play earlier, as Australia struggled to contain an exuberant South African second innings, Bancroft was caught out (smoothly inserted pun) in a big way. Television footage, being beamed live around the world, as well as on the big screen inside the Newlands Stadium, clearly showed the Aussie batsman tampering with the ball in the outfield. Cue the boos in the crowd and the groans of “AWWW Mate..” from the Australian press box.

Ball tampering, for the unwashed, is a major no-no in the cricket world. On a moral par with playing a minor in an u-14 game and hoping no one will notice, ball tampering is when the bowling team illegally alters the condition of the ball in an attempt to garner more swing when it’s delivered. This is achieved by polishing one side of the ball, and trying to scuff the other side of it. So that goes some way to explaining all that mysterious crotch rubbing that goes on. A justifiable cloud of doubt still hangs over Shane Warne a.k.a. Top Shagger, for fans of my previous posts.

Joking aside, this is a huge embarrassment for Australia, a team who have in the past been very quick to point the finger of blame at rival teams – not least Australian coach Darren Lehmann, who only this week whinged about the abuse his players were getting from the home crowd, using words like “disgraceful”, “gone to far” and my personal favourite “they have got to be better than that”. Oh Darren, hindsight is a wonderful thing old boy.

The clamour has begun in earnest, calling for skipper Smith to step down, after he admitted that team leadership had concocted the plan to rough up the ball over the break in play for lunch. But, in true Smith style, he refuted the suggestion that he would resign as captain, remorsefully blurting out that he needed to “control of the ship”, whilst the rest of us in unison internally chanted the immortal lines – The Ship is a Tanker, Steven is a…Cheat!

Call me crazy, but I cannot see this ending well for Smith, so shortly after masterminding an Ashes drubbing of England in the Winter. Captain Smith, your plank awaits.